Losing Grip
by Engrish Spy
Summary: After many years of trying Relena is asked to do something that she regreats every agreeing to in the first place.
1. Losing Grip

Losing Grip

By: Engrish Spy

Rating: R (for mature subjects)

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, the good people at Sunrise and Bandi do. So there

It was a shock that he was asking me what he was. I mean, this was something that Duo or Quatre or on some freaky level that Trowa would ask me to do. I never expected the Perfect Solider, the ice king who I had been told by many put me to shame to be asking me what a woman wants.

            "Will you?" he asked again dragging me from my thoughts.

            I stared into his cold hard eyes, wondering why he was asking me again, I did not flinch.

            "Relena I'm asking you as a friend," he said with a cool voice.

            "Yes," I said not even thinking. It was not done with thought, it was all involuntary.

            Yes, who would not take the chance to seduce this man, a man who in my mind was perfect?  A man who I had known since my days in the war. The only man I ever loved was asking me to teach him how to seduce another woman. I could not say no. No that would be suicide in our already unstable and fragile friendship. It was also suicide to admit to the man that I did not want to help him because I was the one who wanted to be in his bed at night. I wanted to be the woman who he wanted to seduce. 

I had given up on him a long time ago after he left me. Upon giving up, he came back wanting a friendship and so I gave it to him. I gave it in hopes that it might develop past what little basis there was for this precarious companionship that he wanted in hopes to regain his battled soul.  I was disgusted with myself to think that a friendship with the cold Heero Yuy would develop into passion or in an uncomplicated lust that would sustain me for sometime. I was wrong.

As I stood there looking at him I saw the small smile play across his lips. My heart seemed to burst at the thought that I had given him a simple joy. I was giving him the chance to be with someone he thought he would love. I was giving him hope. All I was getting in return was the pretense of affection that Heero would feel for this other girl. It made me feel a repulsiveness that I had not felt since the time Mariemaie made me address the world that one Christmas Eve, making me chose between the world and my life.

            "Thanks. I owe you," he replied and then he turned to leave.

            I did not even get a chance to suggest where we start in his "education" of the female race. I sat down in my chair and placed my head in my hands. I felt a sense of trepidation wash over me as I sat there. I was to be that close to Heero, pretending that all I was doing was taking an interest in his relationship advance, while teaching him what I thought a woman wanted, which could have well as evolved into sexual advances. I was not supposed to take this as a serious matter but I feared that my heart was about to be dragged through the mud with this lesson in love and playing with the heart. I was going to feel it break further. This time is would go as far as physically being ripped out of my chest until I bleed all over the white carpet of this office. I was going to regret my actions. I sat back and looked out the window of my home office. I could see the future and I was not going to like it.

~*~

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby  
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real  
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you  
Why'd you turn away?  
Here's what I have to say  
I was left to cry there, waiting outside there  
Burning with a lost stare  
That's when I decided  
~*~

            He visited me again. It was almost five and he had come to do an official sweep of the wing I was in. It was a scheduled event. There was one at nine, one a twelve, one at three and one at five. It was at the one a twelve he had asked me to teach him to seduce a woman, teach him what a woman wanted, what a woman craved. I had to hide the fact that what I craved was him, what I craved was for him to be doing what I was about to teach him to in turn return the favour.

            "So what is my fist lesson?" He asked cautiously. I could see a smug grin play on his features.

            I looked up from my work. The room was dimly lit and I could tell that he was trying his best to be in two places at once. In the shadows where he was most comfortable and closer to a human being which was what he was trying to learn. I gave him an infuriated look and stood up from my work. I braced my hands on the desk in front of me. 

            "Come out of the shadows first Heero. You can't impress a girl by hiding," I said trying to bite back the malice I felt already to this woman I did not even know.

            Heero warily came closer to the desk. I motioned for him to sit in one of the old green leather chairs that my biologically father kept in this study slash office for the nostalgic feel it brought. I could have cared less. I used this office for one thing only, work, and that's all I cared to use it for. My brother thought otherwise but I just figured it was a male thing. Heero took a seat in the chair and I followed suit.

            "So tell me what this girl is like?" I forced myself to ask. If there was any way to figure out a woman it would be in the way she looked as well as her likes.

            "She's pretty, and athletic. She works on your security staff," as soon as he mentioned athletic I began to feel the green eyed monster well up in me. I was already sick and tired of this girl already.

            "She's only five feet. And I know she likes her coffee black," he finished in his cool crisp voice.

            I knitted my brows together in frustration, "That gives me a lot to work with Yuy."

            I could see in the dim light, Heero frowning at my statement. I sighed and then rubbed my temples. 

            "What's the matter?" he asked with some concern that a man who knew little emotion could muster.

            I sighed and then glanced into the cold eyes of Heero Yuy. "Nothing," I stated gracefully.

            He did not flinch or even move closer to me. He held his stiff position in the chair. I heaved a sigh.

            "Don't worry I will get to the bottom to this and in no time Heero you will have this girl that you are so enamored with." I gave him a weak smile.

            He nodded and then stood up shrinking into the shadows. I shook my head but then a thought came to my mind.

            "Ok here's your first assignment Heero. Think of one thing that you think that she might be interested in that also interest you and then tomorrow try and pretend that I am her and get me to talk to you," I said trying to choke back my tears.

            I would not cry in front of him. I would not cry in front of him. I would not cry in front of him. I would not cry in front of him.

            He nodded and then left the room. As soon as I knew he was gone, I let the tears flow. I was already undergoing the slow torture of the removal process of the delicate organ. It was going to kill me.

~*~

Why should I care  
'Cuz you weren't there when I was scared  
I was so alone  
You, you need to listen  
I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip  
And I'm in this thing alone

~*~

It had been a long day. By five o'clock uneasiness was creeping into my soul. The sound of the door, made my head move up in anticipation. Again, Heero crept into the shadows. I shook my head and he obediently sat down in the ugly green chairs. There was silence for what seemed to stretch on for hours until I head his voice come out at the level of a whisper.

"I see you like your coffee black,"

I sighed and then put on one of the masks that I used for political performances and social engagements, "Actually I prefer tea."

Heero eased a little and then seem to awkwardly move into a conversation with me.

"Then how is that you drink it nearly every day here at the office?"

"We have no tea here," I replied.

"Well then we will have to make a complaint to the Vice Foreign Minister about getting some tea for the security team," He countered slipping into a social mask that I had seen him use during functions when he was forced to. It was mostly a training thing.

I pulled back and then stood up, "My name is … Heero do you know her name at least?" 

"It's Gwen Winters. She's been serving on my security staff for little under a year," I could sense the cover up in his voice.

"I see," I hid the sadness and then continued, "I'm Gwen Winters and you are?"

"Heero Yuy. Would you like to get some coffee or some tea some time?"

"Mr. Yuy, are you asking me out on a date?" I replied still in character.

"I guess so," he shrugged and then stood from his seat.

I sighed and placed my hands on my hip, "Heero you don't guess so you know so," I replied and then sat back down.

I shook my head and then looked towards the very nervous man I was trying to teach to become social. Then a thought popped into my head.

"Why don't we go out for a late supper? I'm very hungry and we can try this out some more. Or you could meet me at the village pub in an hour and we can try and do this like an actual date?" I suggested.

Heero nodded and then left. I didn't get an answer but I took his nod as he wanted to go with the former rather then the latter. I sighed and then closed my folder. I stood and followed after Heero going to my room to change for this sham of a date I had created to a least spend time with Heero before I lost him completely.

~*~  
Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody's place  
When you turn around can you recognize my face  
You used to love me, you used to hug me  
But that wasn't the case  
Everything wasn't okay  
I was left to cry there, waiting outside there  
Burning with a lost stare  
That's when I decided

~*~

            I shuddered as I sat at the bar dressed in a navy jumper like dress. A simple pair of pearls decorated my neck and a matching pair of earrings adorned my ears. The place I had suggested was a very upscale place in the former Sanqu Kingdom. I felt somewhat under-dressed in the work dress that I wore during outings and fundraising while other women were dressed in the ostentatious couture of the day. It was all feathers and costume jewelry these days. I could have cared less. 

I preferred the simplistic thing in life. Even my job had become more simplified in the years that followed the colony wars. It was this deal that Heero had roped me into that had my life turned topsy turvy. I sighed just as the bartender brought me my Singapore Sling. 

As I sat nursing the cocktail in front of me, I could see out of the corner of my eye a man enter the bar with the unmistakable, unmanageable hair that I known anywhere. I put down my drink and turned to face the man. He rushed up to the bar quickly and then sat down next to me.

"I'm sorry I'm late. I had to get Pagan to press my suit," he murmured and then motioned for the bartender to take his drink order.

Relena looked Heero up and down. She had never seen this dark suit before and was glad he had taken it out of storage for the night.

"That's all right," I said in a soft reassuring voice, "this isn't a real date. It's only to prepare you for the one you ask out Gwen."

Heero gave me a soft smile back. I tilted my head slightly to hide the blush that had crept into my cheeks. He had never really ever been able to do this to me before. He had never been able to make me blush. I was losing my grip now and I was not going to last for long.

"So how was your day?" I heard him ask.

I pondered the question for a second and then picked up my drink. I sipped it slowly almost sensually. Heero just continued to stare ineptly at me. I put my drink down and then heaved a sigh.

"Do you want me to be Gwen or Relena?" I asked knowing I was trying to make him feel as comfortable as he could.

"I don't care either or is fine," he said with a shrug and picked up the beer that the bartender had brought him.

I held my breath. It was almost as if he was giving me a chance to be myself and not the person that I was pretending to be, both for his sake and for the political aspect that I showed him all the time.

"My day was fine," I finally replied with the non conforming phrase that Gwen would have given him.

There was an uncomfortable silence that developed between us at the bar. I sat there uncomfortable as ever. It was really peculiar sitting at the bar with a man. I had never really been on a date and this was as new to me as it was to Heero. How was I going to help him?

"What's it like to be a woman?" he finally asked breaking the silence.

"I could ask you opposite question, what's it like to be a man?" I replied.

There was silence again and then I opened my fat mouth and stuck my foot in it all the way.

"It's not like I know how to be a woman. I really don't know why you came to me to solve your problem. If you really want to know what women like. Let's take me for instance. I like a good book, and a hot bath. I like big fluffy dogs and curling up near a fire on a cold winter day. I like to ride a horse and jump the gate even though I know it's dangerous. I like daisies and roses. I love the colour blue. I love pasta and Thai. I have one brother, a sister in law and a little niece that is cute as a button. I want to get married in a church in a long white gown to the man who will treat me like a princess. Not like I was the queen of the world, a man who would treasure my thoughts and love me unconditionally for the rest of my life. And I would return that love to the best of my ability."  I had given too much of my self away at this point what more was there to do.

I watched as Heero sat stunned at my rant. I huffed and then grabbed the little blue clutch purse that I had brought. I pulled out a twenty and laid it on the bar. I then pulled away from the seat and began to walk towards the door. I was suddenly yanked back by a strong gripped of callused hands. I turned around to see Heero standing up. A pleading look shone through the coldness. I shook my head and he slackened the grip. I left after that exchange. I could see the blood begin to drip already.   

~*~

Why should I care  
'Cuz you weren't there when I was scared  
I was so alone  
You, you need to listen  
I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip  
And I'm in this thing alone

~*~

            It had been two days since the "date". I was getting ready for a conference when Heero entered my office unexpectedly. I gave him a questioning look and he just snorted. I snorted back at him and he continued to pace back and forth.  He looked restless and tired but the distantness and precision that was Heero Yuy continued to shine through.

            "What is it?" I asked snapping after he had paced my office for the fifth time.

            "I need to know if I look as if I could seduce you," it was a comment that was quite not the pensive, brooding, Heero I knew.

            "I don't know do you think I could seduce you?" I replied sarcastically.

            Heero gave me his patented death glare which only caused me to break out into a rare grin. As I did, I saw something in his eyes light up like I had never seen before.

            "Look Heero, you are a good looking man. I bet you could have any woman in bed in less then fifteen minutes," I said nonchalantly.

            "Care to try that theory," he replied with his brand of humour. 

            My eyes shot up from the paper they had been looking at. He stared at me with this puppy dog look and then I cocked an inquisitive eyebrow.

            "Can I try so that when I do use this on Gwen I don't look like a total fool?" I had never seen Heero beg before but here he was looking like a sad and pitiful dog.

            I rolled my eyes and then nodded my head. His hard face relaxed and then he motioned for me to stand up. I complied. Heero then turned on the small radio that I kept next to my desk in case of important events were taking place. He switched to a classical station and the piece that came on I recognized as piece that I head play during a wedding scene in a movie I had seen years before. It hurt inside as he offered his hand out to me as if inventing me to impeding doom. But I could not resist the charm that reflected in his indigo eyes. I sighed and let him lead me in a soft slow waltz.  

            I was exceedingly close to the man who had captured my heart many years ago on the beach at sunset. His warm breath was steady and even with his heart beat. Mine was erratic. Beating a million times a minute, I knew that this dance would kill me right here and right now.

            "What are you think?" he asked me in a low whisper.

            "Nothing," I replied, lying to him. 

He knew it too. He could always tell when I was lying to him and this moment was no exception. 

"Do I frighten you?" His voice soothing.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. This was not helping. I could feel his breath trail down my neck. It did not shock me like I had read in so many trashy romance novels. It did not make me want to tell him to kiss and suck and caress. In actuality it broke my heart even further. In my mind the white carpet of the office began to turn dark red as my heart was ripped directly from my chest by little blue demons and danced upon till I had nothing left and I was lying on the floor dead. 

"Good," he replied and then pulled me in even closer.

The imagery got worse as we continued to dance. While at this point it was more like nothing at all. He ran his hands up and down my body and I tried to hold back the tears. It was not until the song reached its end that I felt a familiar callused hand tilt my chin up so that my eyes look directly up into his. Again I tried to mask the hurt and literal torture he was putting me through. Then in one swift motion he captured my lips in a passion searing kiss. I struggled to get away. I did not need this. I did not need a single ray of hope that would keep the damn torch lit for Heero Yuy. But he found some way to get back into my heart only to be leaving it within a matter of moments. 

~*~

crying out loud

open your eyes (x2)

~*~

            I tried to push away from him, except he tightened his grip on me. I was forced to submit to him and his desire. I was forced to follow him. I was forced to love him and I did not want to. 

            His hands continued to roam. They roamed all over my body inciting a riot of passion and stable mind. I became lost, delirious and swept away with the lust and fervor he created in me. It all came to a head when we ended up on the green leather sofa that my biological father kept in here so that he could sleep on it if work took him too long. 

In our frenzied hunger for release, it only seemed to take only a few minutes. I cried out his name… he cried out her name. I was just Gwen. I was just a doll to which he used to practice out the going on's in his mind. I was just a toy. It was a dash of cold water. I lay there cold, unmoving as he calmed down from his orgasm. He continued to mummer her name as he caressed my sweat slicked skin. 

            Once he was asleep, I carefully maneuvered myself out from under him and then quickly righted my clothing. I placed a blanket on Heero and then I moved towards the intercom on the desk. I quickly pushed the button and waited for my secretary to ring back. Once she had buzzed back I told her I was sick and spending the rest of the day in bed. I also told her that no one was to enter the study. She never questioned me and then went about her business.

            I took one last look at the sleeping figure on the couch. His disobedient hair was falling into his eyes. I smoothed back a piece and then looked at him with yearning. I then let out a moan of sadness as I remembered the words that came so frequently from Heero's lips when we were younger, "I will kill you." And then I knew that Heero had lived up to his word. He killed me, he killed Relena Peacecraft Darlian. He killed the dove of peace, the former queen of the world, and he had done it in the worst way. 

Why should I care  
'Cuz you weren't there when I was scared  
I was so alone  
  


TBC….

A/N: Ok so it's more angst from me. Hey I love angst. I think it's more romantic. Any way. Another chapter of Crazy Little Thing Called Love is on its way. It's just sitting on my computer at school and I am currently at home for the week. I'm trying to write that story as fast as I can. I just hit a case of writers block with that story. I plan to put up a version of Heero's POV but it will all be the fall out not the build up. 

The Engrish Spy


	2. What do I Have to Do?

Losing Grip: What Do I Have to Do

Rating: R (Mature Subject Matter)

Authors Notes: Ok so I came up with a better chapter. More Angst *dodges the manga and boxes of pokey that are thrown in her direction*. Sue me.I need some ideas bounced off me on how to start Heero's part in this story. I'll credit you and you will be rewarded with all the praise I could give you… This could mean a spiffy button to put on a webpage!

Engrish

Disclaimer: I do not own Stabbing Westward or Gundam Wing. They are not my but I wish they were…

I sat at in my office, looking out the window to the sunny garden. It had been over two months since I had seen Heero. He had once again disappeared into the void, leaving me alone with myself and my dead spirit. The green couch was removed as it reminded me of a tryst that should not have happened. I never noticed the ancient grandfather clock in the corner began to chime the time with accurate precision. Nine chimes rang out in the room and I was oblivious to them all. The sound of the door startled me from my reverie. I turned to look almost expecting to see a familiar face. I almost expected a friend from the war or even a close confident that I had made while attending St. Gabriel's in Newport. 

I sighed as it was only my secretary coming in with a tray and my mail. She made some witty comment about the fact that if my mail kept coming in the gray lock boxes that the Preventers used to transport the top secret documentation that the general public would begin to think I was the Queen of England. I did not laugh, I could not laugh. That part of my soul had been taken away two months to the day. 

She bustled over and handed me a cup of earl gray tea and I accepted it. I turned back to the window as she sat down to read me my upcoming schedule. There meetings, conferences, speeches, rallies, and even some time off. She looked at me when she mentioned the time off.

"Miss Relena, I also scheduled a doctor's appointment for tomorrow," she said.

I turned to face her, "Why?" I asked not caring.

"You rarely eat and you look much more pale since the last time you had a physical and I believe that was at the end of the Eve wars Miss Relena," she replied.

I nodded not having the physical and mental strength to argue it. I never had any since I died two month ago. I never had any in the first place.

~*~

you make it hard to breathe   
it's as if I'm suffocating   
and when you're next to me   
I can feel your heartbeat through my skin   
it makes me sad to think   
this could all be for nothing   
I wish there was a way   
a way for you to see inside me   
I've never felt this way   
about anyone or anything   
TELL ME 

~*~

It was a routine physical for a woman my age, so I expected the question most doctors would ask a woman my age. Are you sexually active? I said that I had but that was not me. I do not know what possessed me to say that but I did. Once I did, though I was put through tortures that most women go through at my age. It was only until today that the physical hit me. I was informed that I was carrying a child. I had life growing within me. I was disgusted with myself. I was about to carry a child for a man that would never care to know about it. A man who was barely an adult himself and yet I was barely a woman as well.

The doctor gave me the name and a number to call in case I wanted to dispense with my problem. He told me in a coy voice that they were very discreet and practically the best. I had to hold my stomach as he told me this. The man was suggesting that I, white dove of peace give up on a life. 

I hung up and sat down at the desk. I was shaking, crying and worst of all really considering going the route many would be mothers of years gone by would do if they could not support the child, or love it. It scared me to think that I could not love this child. But then I considered the fact that every time I looked at it, I would be reminded of the death its father caused me. I would leave the child with nothing but hate and malice. I would only cry and be unresponsive every time the child asked me something. I would not be the perfect mother. But what right did I have to take away the life of a child. 

~*~

What do I have to do   
to make you happy?   
What do I have to do   
to make you understand?   
What do I have to do   
to make you want me?   
And if I can't make you want me

What do I have to do?

~*~

I was close to a decision in a matter of days. I had talked to many people, careful not to let it slip that Heero was the father. But somehow he knew. Somehow Duo managed to drag it out of me. I broke down and tears, making him promise not to tell Heero. I found out later after he left the Peacecraft mansion he contacted Heero and told him that I was carrying a child. I never heard from him though. I almost wished he would come stop me. But he did not. I gave up hope then and there. It did not matter. Who would want a woman with silly hopes and dreams anyways?

I went to the clinic early in the morning as not to alert the press. I had the procedure done and was back at home lying in bed resting. The only thing the world knew of was that the Vice Foreign Minster was sick and was off on a well deserved vacation. I rested in bed, tried to sleep and forget my problems. The fact of the matter was I had the most blissful sleep in my entire life due to pain killers with a sedative laced in it. 

~*~

know exactly what you're thinking   
but I swear this time I will not let you down   
I'm not as selfish as I used to be   
that was a part of me that never made me proud   
right now I think I would try anything   
anything at all to keep you satisfied   
God I hope you see what losing you would do to me   
all I want is one more chance, tell me

~*~

I never did anything more then cry that entire week. In fact it was a period in my life that I cried the most. I had never really cried this much since I was a child. I do not remember being a spoiled child who would cry for everything if they did not get it. I only cried to communicate fear and hurt but I gave that up early on. I tried to be strong for every one. I tried to keep my feelings in check. As I cried I thought of my empty womb, I thought of all the people who had died in the wars. I even contemplated what it would be like with out me here to hold the fabric of the ESUN. I cried for everything and every one. I let the damn of emotion go. I admitted to myself that I was week. I admitted that I was not strong enough to go. Heero Yuy contributed to that. I knew that I was only here to make him happy, that was all I wanted to do, and for a little time I did. I made him happy.

I traced the picture of my brother and sister in law. It was a picture of them on their wedding day. It normally sat on desk in my home office, but now it sat with me at my bedside. In tracing it I tried to picture what my brother would feel if I was gone. I came to the conclusion that he would not miss me nearly as much as Noin or his daughter. In fact I figured that I would not be missed at all. 

I was a woman, a woman who was an empty shell. I wore a mask for each function not knowing what or who I truly was. I was only used. I was used by everyone. I was used by my parents, my adoptive parents, my brother, the Rommefellar Foundation and then White Fang. I was used by the Barton Corp. and by the ESUN. Lastly I was used by Heero Yuy, and the reason why is because I am not a person at all. I am only a doll that is fragile, delicate and tastefully dressed. I will do anything people tell me and I am willed into doing with me what they will. They beat me, they hurt me and lastly they kill me. 

Well they were not going to do anything to me now. I would do it for them. I would kill the image that they had so preciously created, the image he precariously created. I did not want to be the dove of peace. I wanted peace of mind and the only way to do that was through death. 

I would kill myself…I would be forgotten…I would be free.

~*~

What do I have to do   
  
to forget about you?

~*~

TBC…


	3. No Reply

Losing Grip 3: No Reply

The Engrish Spy

Rated R

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or the lovely song that Yoko Kanno wrote for the Cowboy Bebop Movie.

-- I never got around to killing the dream… 

            I watched Relena as she stood at the podium. She was pale, and sallow looking. She was impeccable dressed yet she wore no make up to hide the dark circles under her eyes. It was almost as if she wanted the world to know that she was tired. When I used to come to these conferences I would listen in the shadows in awe of her. She was so young and precarious placed in the world of aged men and ancient politics. I did not know what to do to comfort her. I was lost myself.

            She stopped slightly in her speech and looked in my direction. She gazed into my eyes. I expected the sapphire eyes to sparkle with joy when they met mine, but instead they were a steely grey that seemed all to dull. I brushed it off as a health problem. Relena was having those a lot lately.  I watched as she sighed a little and then went back to her speech. I sighed myself but then returned to my detail. Keeping her safe was my ultimate goal.

-----------------

Like the perfect ending   
It won't be long   
Till everything I've ruined has seen me gone   
In time, I pray you'll forgive me   
Now you know the man I am   
Can you forgive me?

-----------------

            I was not in love with Relena when I practically rapped her on the couch that day. I saw her as a friend. A friend who could help me rebuild, become human. I did not know what drove me to sleep with her. It did not even faze me when I came too alone on the couch in her study. I just got up and dressed and went back to my detail.

            I stayed far away from her. I think for the first time in life I took a vacation. I went to Hawaii but I did not enjoy it. Upon my return to the city I got a call from Duo Maxwell. A man who was the most annoying, most irritating man I knew yet I could still call him my best friend. He informed me that Relena was pregnant and thinking about getting rid of the baby. He suggested I stop her and for some ridiculous reason tell her that I wanted to help her have this baby. 

I stood there stoic. All that could run through my mind was that I was not the baby's father. I expressed it quite clearly to Duo which earned me a slap across the face from his wife, who had been standing a little away but heard everything. I would have expected that from Relena. I just turned and left Duo and his wife there. I left them with one thing on my mind… Was I doing the right thing?

-----------------

I fall  
like the sands of time  
like some broken rhyme  
at feet no longer there

-----------------

            Duo had no right to tell me what to do. Relena's body was Relena's body. She could choose what she could do. It was as if Duo had been reading too many of his wife's romance novels that it had clouded his mind about a woman's right to chose. But then I remembered him and Hilde had been trying for about a year to have a child. They respect life like that. I do not.

-----------------

If only I could call the rain to melt and wash away the pain you feel  
I would  
You gave yourself to me and showed me what the truth could be  
For that, I say thank you  
This was my life  
It never made much sense to me

-----------------

            Why did I constantly think of her? I did not love her. She was a friend I turned to in my hour of need. Friends are supposed to do that. Then why do I keep thinking of her? Why do I feel this almost disgusting feeling over my skin? She invaded my senses, my thoughts, even my heart. I needed to end this power she held over me. I needed to see her one last time. I needed to tell her that I was sorry. But what was I sorry for?

-----------------

With every lie that I lived  
Part of me would fade  
Into this empty shadow I've become  
And now I feel so numb  
I no longer know myself  
But I still know you

-----------------

            It was still early when I crept into her room. She should have been asleep but she was not. As I entered I heard the ruffle of sheets and the tossing of books, and other items onto the floor. As if she almost recognized me, she sat up in the bed. She looked at me with wide eyed innocence. She tilted her head to one side and then smiled.

            "Who are you?" She asked sweetly.

            I came closer to the bed. She was dressed in a flannel nightgown and she had tucked her legs underneath her chin. Her blond hair was dull in the barely lit room. I then noticed a dark substance on the tips of her pale tresses. She giggled and then like a child showing off a scar they received on the playground she showed me her arm. 

            Across her almost translucent skin were two ugly crimson marks that should have not been there. I grasped her arm quite harshly and she let a small yelp escape her lips. I examined them to see that they were deeper then on first notice and that one was still producing a small stream of blood from her already tired body. She pulled her hand in quickly and tried to sooth is like a mother would to a child. 

            "What did you do to yourself?" I finally forced myself to say.

            She giggled again and then put a slender finger to her mouth in a shush movement, "Don't tell my brother. He would be upset."

            "What are you talking about?" I asked.

            "See this," she said and showed me her arms again, "this is cut." 

            I narrowed my eyes and looked at her, "I know that Relena I'm not stupid."

            "I wasn't suggesting that you were stupid," she said trying to hide the malice she felt.

            I could see her uncurl herself and then slowly made her way down to me at the edge of the bed. She was smiling at me. She produced the razor and began to wave it in front of me.

            "Care to join me?" she asked in a whispered seductive voice.

            I continued to stare at her. She was like a fallen angel. She was an angel that was on the verge of turning into a demon. I was shocked to say the least but I never expected her to be like this. She smiled at me and brought the razor to my own darker skin. She gently toyed with the blade leaving a small indent mark but not opening a wound. I continued to watch her. 

            She was suddenly closer to me. Her face just a mere inch from mine and her breath begins to caress my skin. I begin to feel my heart to speed up. Was it like this for her when I kissed her that fateful day that I sealed her fate. Her lips met mine in a silky yet agonizing kiss. 

            She then fainted into my arms.

-----------------

I call  
and there's no reply  
like some phantom cry  
on ears too far away

-----------------

            "She is experiencing regression induced shock. Relena has regressed to a period in her life where she is most happy. There is no telling whether she will come out of it. As for the cuts…" I was gone after he had explained what had happened. 

            I stood in the shadows near her door. I was her duty for the night. I just happened to catch the conversation that her brother and the doctor were having. The ironic thing was that the stress that the doctor was talking about was caused by me. There was nothing else but me. I had killed Relena Darlian, but I had not done it with a gun or an explosive devise. I had killed her with the one thing she wanted the most, love. It was this belief in a love that could work even for me and she was what took what was left of Relena and killed her. 

            Again I began a journey into my thoughts that I never noticed that Zechs was standing in front of me. I could tell from his face that he was not happy with me. I did not care. He was still imposing as he stood close to me. 

            "Why did you not spot this earlier?" he asked me.

            I just shook my head. I never expected the pain in my back as I was tossed against the wall in an almost neck breaking motion.

            "I know damn well what you did. You don't think I've seen you do it before Yuy," he growled.

            "Do what?" I asked in a low voice.

            "Lead my sister on. That's what you did; you lead her to believe that you were the king of all. You led my sister on and where did it land her?"

            "Mars," I replied in a wise guy voice that still displayed my insensitive nature.

            It only landed me tighter against the door; I could feel my airways being cut off. It was getting harder to breath. 

            "It means that she will most likely spend the rest of her life in a mental ward. This is your entire fault Yuy," Zechs snarled.

            I blew off the comment and was dropped to the floor immediately as the sound of a woman clearing her throat caused Zechs to turn. There in a tailored suit stood Noin. She was slightly red in the face. Zechs gave one finally growl and then turned to leave. I was grateful that the ex-OZ solider had shown up when she did or other wise I would have been placed in one of the hospital beds tonight.

-----------------

I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by  
The only thing I see is you  
For all the times you walked the line for me and standing by my side  
I say thank you  
Here lies my life  
It never felt that real to me

-----------------

            She made no change. She continued to hide behind the façade of a little girl of five. I had been relived of my duty by Zechs and was banned from the hospital. It did not stop me from actually making trips to her room at night. 

            I did this for almost a year. Most nights I would watch her sleep. Sometimes she would be up telling herself elaborate stories of a princess and her knight. Sometimes she could feel my presence while she told these stories and called to me. She would call me 'L'ange silencieux la nuit' or the silent angel of the night. Her face would light up if she saw me.

            If she caught sight of me, which was instinctively a Relena thing, she would tell me at great lengths her day. If she had no real news to tell me she would tell me one of her elaborate stories. Sometimes she would drag me to the bed and then proceeded to huddle from the dank, cold of the room in my arms. 

            Though on a particular visit that she happened to be there she asked me what was my name. I could only look into the childlike disguise that hid the true Relena, with sympathy. I placed a hand on her cheek and then touched my forehead to hers.

            "You know it by heart," I replied.

            She pushed me away and gazed into my eyes. It was like she knew the answer but could not say the words. I could not do this to her and myself. In visiting her I hoped to rid her of myself. I was hoping that after my first visit that she would just leave my mind forever. That was a mistake and look where it had landed me. 

I was curled up with her. She had just finished telling me a richly complex tale about five men and their quest for justice and their love for the world, all except for one, who only did once he fell in love with an ambassadors daughter.  

            It felt wrong to be there, feeling what I was feeling. I did not deserve to feel these uncomfortable feelings that she stirred in me as I was with her most nights. It was wrong to want a mental disturbed person. It was almost as bad as necrophilia. 

            As she continued to gaze in my eyes, I saw the little spark seemingly dimming as she searched me for an answer. I could tell that she was coming out of her shell. She was becoming the Relena that everyone knew. I reached for her to pull her closer, to comfort her, but I was met with the resistant push of pale hands and the struggling twenty three year old, which was opening her mouth to scream. I fled the room for the first time in my life scared. But I did not know what I was scared for?

-----------------

You'll always mean so much to me  
And there's no reply  
And there's no reply  
You'll never know how much you meant to me

Repeat the chorus

-----------------

            I got a call a month latter after the incident. To my surprise I heard her voice at the other end. She was low as she began to speak to me. I could sense the stress and tiredness in her voice. She asked me to come to her estate. She wanted to see me. She wanted to talk to me. I said that I would be over.

            I was led into her office. I head that she was getting better slowly. She was not like the old Relena. In fact Trowa had told me she was worse off. Though after the year sabbatical, she was some what better at concealing her emotions. When I looked into her eyes I could see my own emotions reflected back. 

            She sat in the chair at her desk, stiff and ridged. She looked directly at me and then down at the papers.

            "It has been discussed between Lady Une and I that it would be better that you head up the Preventer's headquarters on the moon.

            I nodded my head and moved to stand. She quietly excused me and then stood up. I noticed that she move to the window.

            "What's the matter," I found myself asking.

            A tear rolled down her cheek and she turned towards me. I watch as she breaks into full tears. I have never seen this before and I do not know what to do. Shyly I put my arms out to her and I pull her into an uneasy embrace.

-----------------

I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by  
The only thing I see is you  
For all the times you walked the line for me and standing by my side  
I say thank you

-----------------

            I said it once that I would kill Relena but I never thought I could do it. I would call myself a coward and a lovesick fool for not killing her. But I did and I'm paying for it. We are trying to build a friendship again. It is not like I can give her the world. But if I could repair some of the damage I caused her, then maybe her life will be a little better. Maybe she will start to smile again. Maybe she will even find a man to fall in love with. I just want Relena to be Relena again, but do I even know what the real Relena is like? Do I even know what she was like?

-----------------

You in my life  
it all meant so much more to be 

-----------------

TBC….


	4. It Doesn't Matter

Losing Grip: It Doesn't Matter

By: The Engrish Spy

Rating: R

Disclaimer: I do not own It Doesn't Matter by Allison Krauss and Station Street and I don't own Gundam Wing. The good people at Bandi and Sunrise own it.

-- What is it like to be a woman?

I was not entirely sure what drove me to Relena that day. Sure there was the need to be satisfied, but as I look back I know there was something else. I do not know what I was doing in her office? It was just that she looked different, there was something about the way she was dressed. The way her hair was combed, the way she gave off a lovely scent. There was something there that Gwen did not have. Sure Gwen was prettier, athletic, and would in any case give Relena a run for her money. But still what was I doing there that day? There was that something I could not place about Relena that made me do what I did. 

I was too absorbed in my own thoughts as we lay together on that couch. I could hear her cry my name, and so bad I wanted to cry hers but I could not separate Relena from Gwen. Gwen was the first thing on my mind and I let it slip. I let her name slip out while I made love to Relena. I remember my last thoughts before drifting off to sleep were, 'was she a virgin?'

The blood on my thighs, when I awoke from my sleep, told me she was and that was that. I figured that I would be transferred to another diplomats care but I was not, I was just put on regular duty. I was told to stay out of the Vice Foreign Ministers sight. Not that it mattered to me, I was only protecting her. I went on the first vacations of my life after the incident. There was too much to think about after the events that transpired.

When I was able to ask Gwen on a date I found out that I had been beaten to the punch. Gwen had been dating a member of Duo's staff for over six months and had only gotten engaged to be married over a week ago. She handed me an invitation and wished me a good day. I looked at the piece of gilded white paper in my hands. I crumbled it up and tossed it in the trash.

-----------------------------------

It doesn't matter what I want  
It doesn't matter what I need  
It doesn't matter if I cry  
don't matter if I bleed

You've been on a road  
don't know where it goes or where it leads

-----------------------------------

            What is life? I ask that of myself every day. What is life to me? Not much if I let a woman kill a baby. I let a woman who prided herself on peace to kill a child. But it was her choice. It was her body. Some times I kick myself. 

            Those times when I did watch her sleep in the mental ward, she would murmur things. Things I think she never wanted me to hear. She told me her problems in her sleep. It was the only time the repressed Relena could escape. It was there I learned of my misdeeds, or so I was told by Duo.

            I had let it slip to him that on one of my visits to Relena she had whispered in her sleep that I called Gwen's name during our convergence of bodies. Hilde, who had been puttering around the kitchen while Duo and I talked, gave me a black eye after I mentioned that I had murmured Gwen's name during sexual encounter. She then proceeded to scold me about hurting Relena's feelings and then she called me a cold, heartless, bastard and then left the room. Later on Duo socked me one in the gut. He told me it was payment for the Eve wars but I knew he was doing it for Relena. Everybody loved Relena, I just did not. Or so I kept telling myself.

-----------------------------------

It doesn't matter what I want  
It doesn't matter what I need  
If you've made up your mind to go  
I won't beg you to stay  
you've been in a cage  
Throw you to the wind you fly away

------------------------------

            You find yourself quickly when you are confronted with a life or death situation. I never had that. I blame the training I received. It never took a fight or a bomb threat to realize that I was in love with Relena. It was not the kind of love that Duo keeps suggesting to me, it was more of 'You're my best friend so I love you like family'. That took almost another year to rebuild. By her twenty third birthday I was friends, wary friends, but friends once again. This time our relationship was better, for one she got me to talk more. We would talk over the telephone. When ever I was on earth or she was on the moon, we got together and had dinner or go see a game of basketball, she thoroughly enjoyed a game of basketball. I found out more about Relena and if you saw us together you would think we were a happy couple. But was that what I needed?

            Did I need a friendship to sustain life? According to Duo and the others I did. I could care less. I was alone. I remember a conversation with Relena the night of my ordained twenty third birthday. She had come up to the moon for a party that Duo was holding for me. It was more of 'let's all go out to the bar and get drunk' type of night. I was wary but I let Relena drag me to the bar and let Duo force the beer and tequila down my throat. She took me home that night and put me to bed. The last thing I remembered before I fell asleep was the soft kiss she place on my forehead and the mummer of 'I still love you no matter what you do to me, even kill me.' I felt guilty in the morning.

-----------------------------------

It doesn't matter what I want  
It doesn't matter what I need  
It doesn't matter if I cry  
doesn't matter if I bleed  
Feel the sting of tears  
Falling on this face you've loved for years 

---------------------------------

            I continued to feel guilty as the days passed. I could tell Relena was getting better. But with every forced smile and every forced laugh, I felt the weight of guilt begin to wear on me. I could tell that the laughs and smiles were fake and she knew that I knew. She laughed and smiled for me. She wanted me to live. But I did not want her to continue on like this so I pulled my trusted 45 from the locked cabinet in my house and went to see her on earth. I wanted her to end my life so she could feel happier, so she could live again.

TBC… 


	5. The Messenger

Losing Grip ~ the Messenger 

By Engrish Spy

Rating: R/NC-17

Disclaimer: I don't own The Messenger by The Tea Party or Gundam Wing.

Author's Notes: Ok so here's where I am. I think this might be the end but a good end. This is my first Gundam Wing Lemon. YAH! Enjoy! I'm also not trying to be preachy hear about being pro life. I just think that Relena would be a little ashamed that she had to do what she did.

A person once told me to love life and lead it to its fullest. Then why do I feel the shame that I do. Why do I feel like I should be dead and not at this desk writing a report. Why do I feel as if my life is going to come crashing down at any moment? Why do I feel so empty?

-------------------------------------

Got a letter from a messenger  
I read it when it came  
it said that you were wounded  
you were bound and chained  
you had love and you were handled  
you were poisoned you were pained  
oh no you were naked  
you were shamed

-------------------------------------

            I was floored when Heero appeared in my room. He looked ragged and tired. It was a state that a lot of people never got to see, including myself. I angled my head to the side questioning why he was there. He produced a black polished gun from his jacket and then extended it towards me. I sighed and then looked into his face.

            "I guess this is it then," I said with tiredness, "I'm ready to die Heero."

            "Relena I want you to kill me," his voice resonated with clarity.

            I was taken aback. It was like that fateful day so many years before. Heero Yuy was asking me to make a decision that could harm me further then what was normally possible. I became fearful that I could have a relapse. I shook my head and pushed his outstretched hands back towards him.

            "I can't do that Heero. I can't take another life," I said sadness. 

He hung his head and then grasped it in his own hands and cocked the trigger. I watched as he placed the gun to his head. I watched as the cold black steel reflected the artificial light of my office. My Emotions were clashing as I continued to watch him. I tried to search his eyes for anything. The steely blue eyes just glared at me, trying to pierce my very soul. I was desperate to help. So I did the only thing I could think of. I pressed my lips to his.

-------------------------------------

You could almost touch heaven  
right there in front of you  
liberty just slipped away on us  
now there's so much work to do  
oh the door that closes tightly  
is the door than can swing wide  
oh no not expecting to collide

-------------------------------------

            I did not know what propelled me to kiss the man who had beaten me, hated me, and killed me. It was like I was coming to his rescue now. I was to be his saviour. I wanted this. 

            The kiss did not deepen nor did it lessen. It was different from the last kisses I had shared with him. These were almost pure, or as Quatre would describe as angel kisses sent to save the needy. Was I truly an angel?

            I let my eyes flutter open while I was still kissing Heero. He still had the gun pressed to his head, but he was trembling. I felt something wet hit my cheek and mistook it for me crying. Then Heero tore away and turned around hiding his face. I watched as he dropped the now de-cocked gun. I watched as it clattered to the floor and the room was silent. The only noise that could be heard was the clock on my desk and his heavy sobs, which he tried to hide. I reached out to touch him. 

-------------------------------------

For a minute I let my guard down  
not afraid to be found out  
I completely forgot dear  
what our fears were all about  
oh no there's no need to be without

-------------------------------------

            "Don't touch me," he stated coolly.

            I brought my offended hand back to my heart. It was as if I could feel his pain. My heart felt lighter. I think because he was finally experiencing the pain I had felt as he did what he did. He turned around and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his Preventer jacket. He tried to compose his face in to the cold solider but failed. I smiled and then offered him my hand.

            "I'm sorry I couldn't be that girl you wanted," I heard myself replied.

            It seemed like hours as I stood there like a fool, barring my soul out to him. I could feel his arctic gaze upon me. I kept my eyes averted from him. I did not want to see the anger that the statement might bring. 

            I was surprised when I felt the warmth of his skin against mine. He then proceeded to tilt my chin up to look at him. I was greeted to the anger that I expected to be there. I cast my eyes downward again trying to avoid it. I did not want him to be angry at me. 

            Then I felt his arms encircle me in an embrace that I was unprepared for. He also seemed like he was unprepared for his actions. I did the only thing I could think of and kissed him again. He accepted it and let me continue the kiss from before. 

The kiss deepened as we continued to embrace. I had not felt this kind of emotion in my body in all my years of living. It felt as if he was filling the emptiness that he caused in me. The kiss was just as awkward as the hug had been. It was as if he had nothing to protect him. It was as he could not hide behind his wall, or behind his façade that he used the first time. It was just Heero and I. Two beings that were lost in a sea of people, of emotions and of life.

-------------------------------------

If there's a chance I would take it  
this desire I can't kill  
take my heart please don't break it  
I will crawl to your foothill

-------------------------------------

            He deepened the kiss and began to fumble with the buttons on my blouse. I traced my fingers down the skin of his face. It was warm and still wet from the few tears he had cried before. As we continued to kiss, I then realised that we were standing in the exact same spot three years earlier. I pushed him away and then grasped the open blouse.

            "Not here," I gasped.

            Heero nodded and then hung his head trying to hide the passion and fever in his eyes. I buttoned the blouse I wore and then straitened myself. I crossed the floor and picked up the forgotten gun and then handed it to Heero.

            "You should put this away," I said softly.

            Heero took it from me and holstered it, inside his coat. I made my way back to the desk and pushed a button. I told my secretary to cancel my day and I was going back to bed under the pretence of being sick. She smiled and then nodded. I then took Heero by the hand and led him from the study. When we reached my room, the awkwardness returned again, but Heero made quick work to return to where we were. Quickly we rid ourselves of our clothes. I watched as Heero stood there looking apprehensive. I kissed him hoping to distract him. 

            I led us to the bed as we continued to kiss. This was entirely different from the last time we had done this. I did not seem rushed or forced. I felt alive and new. I felt childish as if it were the first time all over again. I watched in fascination as Heero trailed his fingers down my skin. It felt as every touch no matter how soft it was, was setting my skin on fire. I could feel the heat begin to burn at my centre. I was out of my mind.  My hands copied what he did. I could hear him gasp as I touched him.

            It was not long before he entered me. It was slow and gentle and bittersweet. It was as if he was trying to make up for something that was. The first few pushes were tight and hurt slightly but I waited and as the pain faded with each stroke, a delightful ache replaced it. 

            Heero continued to push and I continued to push back. I could feel my end drawing near as he continued to speed up our pace in this sweet, arduous tryst that we were engaged in. I saw white and a sigh escaped my lips as I came in, relieving the sweet release that he brought me. 

            Heero followed soon after. He groaned and then let four words escape his lips as it ended. I love you Relena.  

-------------------------------------

I'm frightened but I'm coming  
please baby please lay still  
oh no I'm not coming for the kill

-------------------------------------

TBC…


	6. Papercut

            It's so cold. Why is it so cold? Why do I feel like I should not be here? Why do I fear the darkness? Why do I fear me? Why do I fear him? 

            Too dark, too cold, too forgetful. Trip, I trip and fall. I try to get up but a heavy weight keeps me down. What is stopping me? Why am I trapped? I want my mother. I want my brother. I want him. Who is him? 

Who is this man who haunts my dream? No their not dreams there more like nightmares. Nightmares which are too bright to be considered nightmares but scare me none the less. 

Scar's, he left marks. I ask again who he is. No replies. I am pulled even father into the heavy darkness. I am lost. I am troubled. I am not the person I used to be. Who was me? Who am I?

----------------------------------------

Why does it feel like night today?   
Something in here's not right today  
Why am I so uptight today?   
Paranoia's all I got left  
I don't know what stressed me first  
Or how the pressure was fed / but  
I know just what it feels like  
To have a voice in the back of my head  
It's like a face that I hold inside  
A face that awakes when I close my eyes  
A face watches every time I lie  
A face that laughs every time I fall  
(And watches everything)   
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim  
That the face inside is hearing me / right beneath my skin

----------------------------------------

He is watching me. Again who is he? What does he want with me? Why does he watch me? Why does he make me feel dirty? Why is he sad? Nobody should be sad. I'm not sad, or am I?

Fight. Why? I do not know. I do not fight. I have not been able to fight in so long. I never felt the need to fight. I give up to easy. Did I ever fight in my life? Why do I have to be this way? I feel forgetful and lost. I am so lost. 

Cold, lost, tired, upset and sad. I am not sad. Yes I am. What do I know any ways. Feelings are meaningless to me and to him. Who is him? How should I know? I only know that I am dead.

Cold, lost, tired, upset, sad and dead. I am dead. I am an empty shell. I have no life. I am that shell. I have no body. I have no soul.

----------------------------------------

It's like I'm / paranoid lookin' over my back  
It's like a / whirlwind inside of my head  
It's like I / can't stop what I'm hearing within  
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin  
----------------------------------------

           Fighting. I hear fighting. What is it about? I hear something, but what is it. I have no clue what to do. Cold, dark, lost.

            What do you want? I want what you want? What is that? It is him? Who is him? Who is him? He is your creator? Do you mean God? No I mean the person who created me? Who are you? I do not know myself? What do you mean you do not know who you are? Do you even know who you are? No but that is not the point? It is a point that should be made. I do not know what you are talking about? LEAVE ME ALONE.

            Do you want a name? NO! I will give you a name. My name is GWEN! I saw blood after that.

----------------------------------------

I know I've got a face in me  
points out all the mistakes to me  
You've got a face on the inside too and  
Your paranoia's probably worse  
I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't stand  
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is  
I can't add up to what you can but  
Everybody has a face that they hold inside  
A face that awakes when they close their eyes  
A face watches every time they lie  
A face that laughs every time they fall  
(And watches everything)   
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim  
That the face inside is watching you too / right inside your skin  
----------------------------------------

            I killed her; I killed the thing inside my head. Why am I still her? Wait what is that. It looks to be an angel. Yes an angel. Yes I think I should call him Satarel. The keeper of untold knowledge, but I can only speak in French. He will be my silent angel of the night. He might be able to unlock this gate. 

            She giggles. Why does she giggle? I would never giggle. Giggling is for the week. I am not week. I am strong. Then why are you still here? If you had the power to be strong why can you not escape this personal hell you have created?

            This is not hell this is my sanctuary. I am queen here. I am me. Then what is me? I am a person. No you are only a husk for a soul. I am me.

----------------------------------------

It's like I'm / paranoid lookin' over my back  
It's like a / whirlwind inside of my head  
It's like I / can't stop what I'm hearing within  
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin  
----------------------------------------

            Why do you hate me? I do not hate you, you hate yourself. What do you mean by that? I mean that you love too much that it disgusts you. You are disgusted by the fact that you can love a man so much that you would let him rape you. What do you mean? You are a whore. You are a dirty little whore. You are his dirty little whore. You like being his whore. You crave this feeling that he gives you. It gives you his undivided attention in a sick twisted way. No, no, no, no, no, NO!

----------------------------------------

It's like I'm / paranoid lookin' over my back  
It's like a / whirlwind inside of my head  
It's like I / can't stop what I'm hearing within  
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin  
----------------------------------------

            Why do I need him so? Why does he haunt me? Who is he? I tell him stories, and cuddle with him. He reminds me of my father. He is warm, so warm. He talks to me when I'm not awake. Again who is he? He smells of warm electricity and oil. Smells that remind me of space. Smells that remind me of him. Who is he? Why do I feel the need to cry? I will never cry again. I will never feel sad again. I will never smile. I need to take care of myself and only myself. I will only fight for me and me alone. I am alone in this world.

----------------------------------------

The face inside is right beneath my skin  
the face inside is right beneath my skin  
the face inside is right beneath my skin  
----------------------------------------

There is no sun in my world.

-- Relena I'm asking you as a friend.

There was no joy in my world.

-- So how was your day?

Why did he haunt me?

-- What's it like to be a woman?

Why did I have to love him?

-- I need to know if I look as if I could seduce you.

Why did he not love me?

-- Do I frighten you?

Yes you do, you frighten me whoever you are.

----------------------------------------  
The sun goes down  
I feel the light betray me  
----------------------------------------

Never was a fighter, never was a lover, and never was anything at all. I am nobody. I am worthless. I am a sad excuse.

"I like a good book, and a hot bath. I like big fluffy dogs and curling up near a fire on a cold winter day. I like to ride a horse and jump the gate even though I know it's dangerous. I like daisies and roses. I love the colour blue. I love pasta and Thai. I have one brother, a sister in law and a little niece that is cute as a button. I want to get married in a church in a long white gown to the man who will treat me like a princess. Not like I was the queen of the world, a man who would treasure my thoughts and love me unconditionally for the rest of my life. And I would return that love to the best of my ability. "

            Did I say this? Did I tell him my inner most secrets. Why did I tell him? What is this from?

----------------------------------------  
The sun goes down  
I feel the light betray me  
----------------------------------------

            I finally can feel. I hurt. My heart feels shattered yet there is still a child. A child that will not hide and let me through. I am still trapped, I feel trapped. I want to be free. I need to be free. Staying in here will only allow me to remember and I do not want that. I wish to be free, free of him. Who is him?

----------------------------------------  
The sun  
It's like I'm / paranoid lookin' over my back  
It's like a / whirlwind inside of my head  
It's like I / can't stop what I'm hearing within  
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin  
I feel the light betray me  
----------------------------------------

            The child asked him his name. As he spoke he looked me in the eyes. He said I knew it. The way he said it triggered something. Triggered something that I knew. I knew I had one name on the tip of my mind as he looked at me. I knew who he was now and I did not want him near me. He caused me pain. I wanted to be free but it was not him who I wanted to free me. I hate you Heero Yuy.

----------------------------------------  
The sun  
It's like I'm / paranoid lookin' over my back  
It's like a / whirlwind inside of my head  
It's like I / can't stop what I'm hearing within  
I feel the light betray me  
It's like I / can't stop what I'm hearing within  
It's like I / can't stop what I'm hearing within

----------------------------------------


	7. Smile

Losing Grip: Smile

Rating: R

The Engrish Spy

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. They are property of Bandai and Sunrise. I also do not own the song Smile. It is by a group called Olive who is a great Trip Hop group that have been featured in many movies and an episode of Popular.

            The room, it smelled nice. It smelled of sunshine, roses, and her. The sheets were warm and soft, like cotton. I was warm, warmer then I had ever been in all my life. I felt warmer then the day Relena held me in her arms after the Mariemaia coup d' ete. I was content to lounge here in this warmth, in this blissful peace. There was movement next to me but I ignored it off. I was too satisfied with this warmth to move. I was enjoying myself, a pleasure I never let myself have. A pleasure that I think the gods denied me from birth. Though I did not believe in gods.

---------------------------------

Smile, you'll steal away my soul  
Smile, I'll hide away and cry  
My mind's made up  
I will shudder to see your eyes  
Smile no doubt I'll keep my pride  
But It may be hard to find

---------------------------------

            I hear a voice but I ignore it. I feel more shifting but I ignore it again. I just snuggled deeper into the warmth. Oh it was blissful. I was in heaven and I wanted to enjoy it before I was taken away from it.

           It was as if I had been given a taste of heaven that I could only reach once and I wanted to savour it to the full extent.

            "Heero," a voice called out to me.

            I ignored it and snuggled in closer to the warmth.

            "You are a blanket hog," the voice hissed and then yanked away some of the warmth near my body.

            I found myself rousing and then growled, "No I'm not."

            There was giggling that sounded like the bells of fairies. I opened my eyes slowly only to be greeted to a bright yellow glow that engulfed the room. I cursed in Japanese, and my ears registered another giggle. It was quiet familiar to me but I could not place the owner of the giggling. 

---------------------------------

There's nothing left  
Handed down your legacy  
But more regret  
Painted on with empathy

---------------------------------

            I flipped onto my back and placed my right arm over my already closed eyes. Where was I? I could not tell because I had been blinded but wherever I was it was not hostile. I also tried to move my legs but found I could not. I could feel another pair tangled in them. Sighing I tried to open my eyes again only to double blinded, for at the angle I was in the light directly hit me in the eye. I cursed again but stopped when my chest began to tingle and a small silky hand began to trace patterns on my skin.

---------------------------------

Smile, don't complicate my time  
Smile don't ask me if I'm fine  
My world blown down  
There is nothing that words can say  
Smile, no doubt I'll keep my pride  
But it may be hard to find

---------------------------------

            It then left my chest for my neck and then my face. The hand began to brush away the hair that seemed to be in disarray on my forehead. I sighed and let the hand continue its ministrations. Again I felt things come into place. I felt as if I belonged. I felt as if this was the thing, which I should let everything else go and continue on like this. However fear began to build up in heart. What if this was a dream? Maybe that was the reason why I could not open my eyes. Maybe Relena had killed me and that I would wake in hell where I would be a soulless man. It was not like I was not one all ready. Just look at my deeds over the years.

            "Heero," the voice soothed and then I felt soft and tiny kisses left against my skin.

            "What," I managed to croak.

            "Wake up," the soft voice stated.

            "No," I growled and then flipped onto my side.

            "Yes," the voice protested in response.

            "Why?" I asked flipping back onto my back.

            "Cause the maids are going to be here any moment and I don't want you to get caught," the voice hissed.

            "This is only a dream anyways let me savour it just a little longer," I mumbled and then nuzzled closer to the person in the bed. 

            The person was most defiantly a woman and was warm. So warm, so soft and smelled of lavender and honey. It was as if she was in my bed. I sighed and nuzzled even closer trying to capture that scent before the dream left me.

---------------------------------

There's nothing left  
Handed down your legacy  
But more regret  
Painted on with empathy

---------------------------------

            I have to admit, this was the first time that I had ever dreamed this vivid before. It was also strange that this was the first dream of its kind. I normally do not dream, in fact I rarely even sleep as deep as I was now. I could function for days with out sleep yet I did not know what caused me to sleep this deeply and dream this clearly.

---------------------------------

There's nothing left, there's nothing left

---------------------------------

            "Heero, you need to get up," the voice called to me.

            "Why?" I mumble.

            "Cause I have to go to work and you have to go back to the moon," she said with a sigh.

            "I'm on the moon right now," I said softly and then I turned again. It was such a surreal feeling to be doing this in a dream, even though dreams are the surreal.

            "You're on Earth, in my room. Remember what we did last night," the voice stated playfully.

            Flashes crossed my mind as I continued to keep my eyes closed in attempts to hold on to this blissful dream. I could see pale skin flushed from passion. I could remember the tingling sensation across my skin as pale hand traced the length of my body. I could hear my name cried out and I remembered the four words that escaped from my mouth as I climaxed. I love you Relena.

---------------------------------

Smile, you'll steal away my soul  
Smile, I'll hide away and cry  
there's nothing left  
Handed down your legacy

---------------------------------

            My eyes shot open in shock and my body rose from the bed with a start. Sitting up completely I was greeted to the site of a blotchy, naked blonde. She was grasping the white sheet close to her skin and was hiding her face by looking down at the sheets. She was now occupied with playing with the duvet around her feet.

            "What happened?" was all that I was able to mutter.

            I noticed that she had begun to tear up again. I cursed myself inwardly and then cast my eyes towards the blanket as well.

            "You came here last night with a gun," she said through her silent tears.

            "Was it to kill you?" I asked, the incident seemingly escaping my mind.

            She shook her head, "but I wish you had."

            I sighed and then looked towards the crying Relena. She clutched the white sheet to her chest even tighter. What was I to do? I just could not embrace this girl. I caused her too many problems. What she was not just a girl, she was a woman. A woman who was nearing her twenty fifth birthday in a matter of weeks.

            "Why did I come to Earth?" I asked her.

            She stopped cry enough to raise her head. She did not look at me but she looked towards the wall. 

            "You wanted me to kill you. You wanted me to kill you so I could go on and be strong. But I couldn't. I couldn't kill the only man I have ever been in love with. No matter what he has done to me? Whether it was beat me, ignore me, spit on me, rape me, and even kill me. I could never live with that on my conscience," she said quietly.

---------------------------------

Smile, you'll steal away my soul  
Smile, I'll hide away and cry  
there's nothing left  
Handed down your legacy  
Smile, no doubt I'll keep my pride  
but it may be hard to find

---------------------------------

            I nodded and then got out of the bed and began to search for my clothing. It was a mistake to be here. I was only going to hurt Relena further. I was also regretting saying those four words last night. I was trying to atone for my previous actions but I only made it worse. 

            "Did you mean what you said last night?" I heard her ask softly.

            I did not answer for I feared that I was breaking her heart by standing up out of the bed. She did not make a noise and took my silence as a no. I was already breaking her heart.

            I had my boxers on when I head the bathroom door shut and the lock click. My heart began to race. What could she be doing in there? Could she be going to kill herself? Why would she do that?

           I ran to the door and knocked on it sharply. There was no reply. I repeated my actions and still there was no answer. I then broke down the door. I looked to see if the razor was gone but it was still in its place on the vanity. I then noticed the steam coming from the shower. I looked into see Relena on the floor. She was huddled in a corner clutching her body in the foetal position. I climbed into the shower and put my arms around her, for I was afraid that she might regress back into the shell she had developed over a year ago. I sat there and rocked her. I rocked her till the shower began to run cold. She just cried and I began to cry with her.

---------------------------------

If only you had tried  
Going to leave it far behind  
It may be hard to find  
If only you had tried  
Going to leave it far behind

---------------------------------

TBC….

A/N: Ok so this is not the end for this torrid couple. Yes I plan many more hardships for these guys because I have to admit this is a song fic saga that I have enjoyed writing for. I can always find songs that relate to Heero and Relena or fit in with this story line. Black and White will be updated soon. I have plans for a Trowa appearance quite soon.


	8. Fallin'

Losing Grip: Falling

The Engrish Spy

Rating R

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. MBF and Wicked can vouch for that. Though for some crazy reason I'm under the influence of the Zero system and in a Mobile Suit but that's just their crazy imaginations…

A/N: This is just a thought chapter. Yeah I know lame if you ask me but it's all I could think off for their story as of lately. So it's just a short chapter on Heero and Relena's thoughts about all of the events in Losing Grip.

Why did you wait till the last day of camp to tell me you loved me ~ Happy Campers

Does he love me?

Does she love me?

Can I love myself?

I could never love myself.

I need her.

He would never need or want me.

I love her.

He loves someone else.

Do I truly love her?

I will never be loved.

---------------------

I'm falling in hate  
With this place  
Days trickle by  
Like a stream  
I need to go off  
Like a bomb  
Before I explode  
I need to go  
-------------------

He will never know my pain.

I want to take away all that pains her.

He will never know my shame.

I feel lost when I look at her.

Why did you leave me?

Why did I leave you?

Can we be more then friends?

Why can't I tell her she is all I need?

Why does he shy away?

Why can I not get her to see?

Will he leave me again?

She is an angel.

----------------------  
I'll feel no remorse  
When I quit this place  
Too long I've wasted in this  
Melancholy space  
It's always winter here  
Like a splinter  
A vice in your eyes  
-------------------------

Will I ever find myself?

She is all I long for.

Will he ever find himself?

Can't she hear me calling?

Will I have to suffer from his touch?

I am addicted to her.

I need him.

I need her.

I love him.

I love her.

I want to disappear.

--------------------------  
The constant sarcasm  
Cuts me like a blade  
The scars have hardened  
And they will never fade  
Tearation at a jaded joke 

A joke and some  
Prize but I despise them  
-----------------------------

Why am I cold?

She is so sad.

Why can't I love him?

Why did I have to kill her?

Why can't I be normal?

I can't give her a normal life.

I want to be standard, I want friends, and I want life to be lived for me.

I want to live my life for her, give her a normal life and I want her to love me like she did before.

---------------------  
I'm falling in hate  
With this place  
Days trickle by  
Like a stream  
I need to go off  
Like a bomb  
Before I explode  
I need to go

----------------------

TBC…


	9. Hello

Losing Grip: Hello

The Engrish Spy

Rating R

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. MBF and Wicked can vouch for that. Though for some crazy reason I'm under the influence of the Zero system and in a Mobile Suit but that's just their crazy imaginations…I also don't own the song Hello by Evanescence.

            Time seems to pass quickly as I sit here at my desk. How many years have past since I last was able to play? How many years have I spent behind this desk as a prisoner? How many days have I felt so lost? How many times have I longed for him? How many minuets does he spend thinking of me? I was at a lost as what to do with myself. Then I would think of him. I would think about Heero and what he thought of me.

             I remember asking my adoptive mother once what true love was. She replied that it was like being in a huge space port with millions of people speeding off to destinations unknown. She continued to speak in that calm voice I vaguely remember. She said that you would spot your true love across the crowed concourse and your eyes would meet. The people around you would continue to speed off and speed up and you would just slow down as if you had all the time in the world. I never believe in that story.

            When I got older I remember asking Quatre what he thought true love was. He was one of the only Gundam Pilots that I really kept in touch with after the war, aside from Duo and Hilde. He laughed and then produced a plethora of pictures from his pockets. I was handed one to look over. There was a blonde haired child with light blue eyes, smiling back at unknown people. He told me that was his and Dorothy's oldest. She was the result of a rendezvous that was unexpected by both because of their war-torn past. He then told me the day Dorothy had told him that she was pregnant was like falling in love with her over again, even though they were still bitter enemies. That was what true love was to him. A connection to the other person. I flushed my connection down the drain the day I had it ripped from my body. I hate myself… 

----------------------------------------

Playground school bell rings again  
rain clouds come to play again  
has no one told you she's not breathing?  
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to  
hello  
----------------------------------------

I do not remember much about Heero comforting me that day in the shower. I just remember being cold and then warm. Even though he said those words I longed to hear, I could not take it. I was broken and no matter what he said he could not fix me. Nobody could fix me. I was broken, and I did not want to go on anymore.

----------------------------------------

If I smile and don't believe  
soon I know I'll wake from this dream  
don't try to fix me I'm not broken  
hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide  
don't cry  
----------------------------------------

I remember him putting me back in the bed that we had shared the night before. As much as he wanted to join me, he had things to take care of. I nodded and then shut my eyes in attempts to sleep. He left a whispered kiss on my forehead. As soon as the door was shut I pulled the little bottle of pills I kept in my night table in a hidden compartment that was supposed to be for a weapon in case my room was breached. I refused to keep one there, even though I was not under the Peacecraft name. 

As I fingered the bottle in contemplation, I began to wonder why I had even taken the position in life that I had. Why had I distanced myself from people, friends, and enemies? What I was doing with my life at twenty four? I came to the relisation that I was just too tired. I was not going to go on living, Even though the man who uttered those words that I longed to hear, who had caused me so much grief in the past nine years was wanting me to live. He wanted me to live for the simple fact that if I did not he would have no real purpose in this world. 

"I have worn out my purpose"  
  


----------------------------------------

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping  
hello I'm still here   
all that's left of yesterday

----------------------------------------

TBC…


	10. Don't Dream It's Over

Losing Grip: Don't Dream it's over

Engrish Spy

Rating R

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or Crowded House's Don't Dream it's over.

A/N: I stole a scene from Evangelion and used it for Heero's madness or Heero's decent into madness.

To say I felt nothing for a woman who had followed me since my arrival on Earth would be a lie and a good one to pull off but I never could. To say that I was madly in love with her at first sight would also be a lie. What I felt for Relena started out as bitter hatred much like Quatre and Dorothy's relationship and ended with both of us broken but I was able to say I loved her. I gave her what made her happy and for the first time in my life I was happy saying those four words.

            I do not mean that in the perverted sense. Yes I was having sex at the time, so my body was in a state of physical happiness but I was in a state of mental happiness. It was if I had found home. I told Duo this over the phone, and he just scoffed and then muttered "It's about fucking time". I never saw what was coming next.

-------------------------------

There is freedom within, there is freedom without  
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup  
there's a battle ahead, many battles are lost  
but you'll never see the end of the road  
while you're travelling with me

-------------------------------

I was not present when they buried her. Her brother was out for my blood and I did not want to have to fight her brother at the funeral. You see like Relena, I was also tired of my life, but I would have to live, for her. She always wanted to see the best for me. 

            Quatre told me it was a beautiful memorial service. They had ordered lilies and roses in many colours. Dorothy was the one to give the eulogy at the appropriate time. She of course had been Relena's first and longest friend. She was laid to rest in the Peacecraft plot and on the marker of where she was placed in the wall read 'Relena Dorlian – Peacecraft, Dove of Peace, Righter of Wrongs, Queen of our hearts". Quatre had a way of describing them to me, yet I really did not pay attention. I cared less about the actual ceremony and more about myself. I was selfish in think how would I go on. How would I go on?

-------------------------------

Hey now, hey now  
don't dream it's over  
Hey now, hey now  
When the world comes in  
they come, they come  
to build a wall between us  
we know they won't win

-------------------------------

            I remember walking back into the room that was the staging ground for the sex we engaged in. I saw a sleeping Relena and thought nothing of it. What I did not notice was the empty pill bottle that was clutched tightly in her hands. I did not see the few spilt pills on the floor. I only thought she was sleeping. I left the room and went back to my work.

            It was about six at night when I entered the room. I felt a shiver past over my skin as I walked in. I was never one to shiver for an unknown reason. I noticed that Relena had been in the same position I had left a few short hours ago. At that moment I knew something was awry. I moved quickly to the bed and noticed the empty pill bottle had rolled from her hand onto the pillow beside her. I then looked at her. Her eyes were wide open and staring off into space. I also noticed the horrible stench of human excrement's that I had come to associate with human death. 

            I backed away from the body in horror. For the first time in my life I was scared of the corpse in front of me. What had happened? What did she do? Why do I feel as if I have lost the only thing in my life? Why did this happen to me again? I never wanted to kill her literally. I never wanted her to die first. I wanted to die before her.

-------------------------------

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof  
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof  
In the paper today tales of war and of waste  
But you turn right over to the T.V. page  
-------------------------------

            I avoided every one after her death. I went back to the moon and did what I was told to do. I felt like the doll I had been back in the war. I was just a doll again. I did my job and that was my function. Oh how I wished for death. Oh the taste of it would be quiet a change from this mundanity that I had set up for myself. Why did I fear her so? Why did I not give her my heart sooner? Why did I have to kill her twice? I am a killer till death.

-------------------------------

Hey now, hey now  
don't dream it's over  
Hey now, hey now  
When the world comes in  
they come, they come  
to build a wall between us  
we know they won't win  
-------------------------------

I slowly began my decent into the perfect solider mold. I hid from the world. One the first anniversary of her death, Quatre tried to contact me, but I ignored it. On the fifth they tried to contact me again. I ignored and continued my descent into my dark madness. By the seventh, I was already in a mental institute. I was gone from the world. I was a mindless man who was ready to kill himself whenever he got a chance. I had visitors but they dwindled as the years passed on. Duo would come every once and awhile to check up on me, to see if I had made any progress. I never did. 

-------------------------------

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum  
and I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart  
only the shadows ahead barely clearing the roof  
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

-------------------------------

By the tenth anniversary, I fell deeper into my delusional dream. I had stolen a doll from another patient and had started to call it Relena. I would stroke and coo at the doll. I would tell it I loved it more then life itself and that I would protect it no mater what the cost. Whatever the cost…

-------------------------------

Hey now, hey now  
don't dream it's over  
Hey now, hey now  
When the world comes in  
they come, they come  
to build a wall between us  
don't ever let them win  
-------------------------------

TBC…

  
  



	11. Trouble

Losing Grip: Trouble     

Engrish Spy

Rating R

Disclaimer: I do not own the song trouble by Coldplay and I do not own Gundam Wing other. All I own is this computer, some clothing and a kick ass CD player that no one can have. On with the show.

I claimed the body from the institute the day before Christmas. That was someway to celebrate my third sons first Christmas. I was picking up the body of my dead best friend. I sighed as I signed the waiver and then motioned for the flag draped coffin to be loaded into the hearse and then gave directions to the driver to the space port. 

            Arriving at the space port, the Preventer guard gave a peaceful salute to their dead companion. He was still a Preventer, even if he was mental after Princess' death. I followed the pallbearers as they took the coffin up the shuttle ramp and secured the coffin. I sighed again and then motioned a salute and then takeoff.

-----------------------------------------

Oh no, I see,

A spider web is tangled up with me,

And I lost my head,

The thought of all the stupid things I said,

Oh no what's this?

A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,

So I turned to run,

The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

-----------------------------------------

            We arrived at Earth, about twenty minute to midnight. I pulled out my cell phone and then made a quick call home. I received greetings and mentioned that I would be home in the morning. I smiled and then hung up. Though it was a grim event that was taking place, I still had stuff to smile about.

-----------------------------------------

I never meant to cause you trouble,

And I never meant to do you wrong,

And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,

Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

-----------------------------------------

            I placed a hand on the coffin and let a single tear slide down my cheek. I shook my head and then whispered a soft prayer to the air and left the coffin in the cold room for the night.

-----------------------------------------

Oh no I see,

A spider web and it's me in the middle,

So I twist and turn,

Here I am in my little bubble,

-----------------------------------------

The funeral was after Christmas and before New Years, Zechs let us burry him next to her, seeing as that he had finally given up hating the man he thought was at fault for killing his sister. He sighed as well as we watched the coffin lower as it was placed next to hers. There was a solemnity in the air as we stood there. 

            His tombstone was engraved with the best the rest of us pilots could think of, 'Deer Friend, Protector of Peace and One Hell of a Pilot.' I smiled as they started to burry the coffin. We left the plot and as we did, it began to snow. I then thought back to the Eve Wars and the Mariemaia Coup de 'ete. I then hugged Hilde closer and let her lead me back to the awaiting limo. 

-----------------------------------------

Singing, I never meant to cause you trouble,

I never meant to do you wrong,

And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,

Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

-----------------------------------------

I had lost my best friend, dumb as he might have been. I also lost the person I looked up to the most ten years ago. They will be missed and their tumultuous lives were hard for both of them, they still were heroes in love and in life. I will remember them as friends, lovers and great heroes. I will never forget their legacy no matter what.

-----------------------------------------

They spun a web for me,

They spun a web for me,

They spun a web for me.

-----------------------------------------

The End…   


End file.
